My mother told me the men's ministry of her church wants to change what they call retreats to "advance". In other words, instead of going on a retreat, we're going on an advance. This the story of my advance.
Mom asked my sister-in-law, Mackenzie and me if we'd like to join her on a Christian women's retreat through her and Mackenzie's church. We both told her "yes" and thus set in motion a journey of faith I was not expecting.
Friday afternoon I meet mom and Mackenzie in Estes Park, Colorado for a late lunch. As we eat out on the terrace, I enjoy the beautiful Rocky Mountain weather and I'm not thinking much about our retreat. I have no real expectations going in except that there will be a lot of women there and will that make me nervous?
We arrive at the Emerald Lodge at the YMCA of the Rockies, receive our room keys, get settled and then head over to the confrence room. As women trickle in, the three of us sit there, talking amongst ourselves until somebody either Mom or Mackenzie knows comes over to say "hi". Worship begins and we're introduced to a song written specifically for this retreat by a woman with beautiful and haunting voice. We're also introduced to Martha Lawley who will be our guest speaker for the duration of the weekend.
We are dismissed to join our small groups which consist of six to seven women including a "group girlfriend" who will act as our group leader. I'm very quiet during small group time as I am nervous to say much about myself due to concerns I won't be accepted. So, I stay reserved and listen to the other women make conversation.
We make our way back up to the main room where we are to be dressed in our pajamas for a party. I feel like a fool because I'm enormous, have nothing cute to wear and am completely mismatched in my pajama selection. There is a woman wearing a genuine Nebraska Snuggie so I approach her and tell her I'm a fellow Husker fan and that my cat's name is "Osborne" after a former football coach at the university. She knows exactly what I am saying and my nerves subside slightly.
None of us sleep well that night and wake up a bit tired but ready to greet the day. Again, we go to the main room to worship and pray and I still feeling anxious because this is a large group of women of who very few I actually know. We sit down to listen to Martha speak during our first session. Her topic for the day will be "Lord, I want to know you". I take in what she has to say and see her words as very poingnant but I feel myself getting anxious and I start to feel nerves well up in me. This is generally the first sign I am approaching a panic attack but this time is different. I am able to calm down and enjoy the duration of the lecture.
The rest of the day I spend enjoying Mom and Mackenzie as we venture into the cold weather and drive up into Rocky Mountain National Park to view the elk. I realize during lunch time that the men's ministry from my own church family is also retreating at the YMCA. After nearly ten years of attending Timberline Church, I finally introduce myself to our senior pastor outside the mess hall.
Session two of our retreat is entitled "Lord, I want to love you" and this is where the change in my heart begins. I start to better understand the greatness of God's love for his children and that he knows and loves each one of us individually. God IS love. He knows me better than anyone in the whole world; better than my husband knows me, better than my dearest friends know me and better than my family knows me. The thought that EVERYTHING begins and ends with God's love is planted in my heart and mind. What really sinks this thought in is when we are asked to think of the person we love most in the world. For me, that is my husband, Jim. "Think about how much you love this person", Martha states. "Now, think about this: GOD LOVES THAT PERSON MORE."
Wow. What? Huge! How can I even begin to comprehend this and wrap my mind around it? I'm not meant to, I realize. God will always love me more than anyone else ever can and me loving Him means I may come to understand levels of love I have yet to experience. After this lecture, I am emotional and overwhelmed and I am uncertain how to process it all.
After small group, we return to the main room for worship and prayer time. The lights are dim, candles are flickering, music is soft and relaxing and scripture is read. Women get up one by one and read scripture to the rest of the group. Some cry during this time, some do not. I am on the floor, laying down and praying. The retreat has now changed to an advance. My heart is full, my faith grows and my cup runneth over.
"God is building something in me that is meant to last for eternity" is the thought that rings through for me during the lecture of session three: "Lord, I want to be like you." It's Sunday morning and although we slept quite well during the night, we are all spent from emotion and we're wrecked by the second worship song.
We learn that our "Sunday Portrait" as Martha puts it, can be a misrepresentation of our lives, if we allow it. If we choose to be different, that portrait will shine through our everyday actions which will represent Him and His glory! The more like Him we become, the more intimate our relationship with Him becomes. So simple and so profound all at the same time.
A lot of words have been written about my advance in the mountains, a lot of moving forward in my faith, a lot of emotions bubbled up and a lot of understanding still will occur in the future as I am fully aware that I will never, nor am I meant to ever understand His plan, His love and His mightyness! But, I'm surely going to try!
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